I’m hoping this will be a little cathartic and it could be very disjointed, but I have to get this out, so please bear with me.
I saw, the most heartbreaking thing I have seen in a long time, Wednesday. If you remember, my grandparents house and possessions (what’s left of them anyway) are going to be auctioned of this Saturday. This is the house where I lived from ages 2-22. I grew up in this house. It was my home and in some ways it feels like it still is.
Well, I went by Wednesday, not knowing that the auctioners had been there all day packing up stuff. When I walked in, it looked about normal, at least as normal as it had been looking; boxes everywhere, the “unlived” in smell the house has had since Mama died, the general disorder, etc, etc. But as I moved through the house, the changes became more pronounced, but still nothing upsetting.
Until I moved into the den.
My grandmother practically lived in the den after my grandfather’s death. She had a lot of trouble sleeping in their bed without him, so she spent a lot of nights in the recliner. And in the den, there are floor to ceiling shelves. Which were crammed with books. They had been that way since before I was born. I have never seen those shelves empty. Until Wednesday. It was like the floor fell out from under me. I just lost it.
It’s really starting to hit home that she’s gone. All along, it’s sort of felt like she’s still just down the road (she lived about a tenth of a mile from me) and all I have to do is go to the house. Which I didn’t do much, to help perpetrate that myth. But it’s really coming home that this is the end, my childhood home will be gone soon, my mama is gone, my papa is gone and there’s no going back.
I’m not the only one taking this hard. My aunt, my uncle, even my hubby. Ellie does remember her, for now, but she’s not asking where ”Granny” went so often any more. I so wanted my daughter to know and remember my Mama.
Well, my uncle has forbidden my aunt and I to go to the auction, so we’re going to the pool. But I know I’ll still feel it, as every little piece is ripped away from me. I just hope who ever gets their things, their (my) house, appreciate them. And I hope that house has love and laughter inside it again.
First, I am much better today. Was verrrrry hormonal yesterday, much more optimistic today. It’ll happen when it happens. I’m just in a hurry. Tick tock. Nah, really I’m only 28. I just wanted my kids closer in age, that’s all. It’ll happen.
So, does anyone have any exciting weekend plans? I'm going to a cookout at my aunt & uncle's house tonight, then my girl is going to spend the night with them. So I'll have a free night!! I'm not sure what I'll do yet. I could go with the hubby to his brother's house, which would probably end up in me, if not drunk, a little buzzed. OR, I could stay home and read one of the huge books I have going. OR, I could goof off on the computer all night. I've been itching to make some Entourage and 30 Seconds to Mars icons. Hmm. Decisions decisions. 
Why, oh why, are there so few hours in the day?!?! Add to that, I have a sicky kiddo. She woke up this morning all stopped up and whiny. Come to think of it, I'm feeling a little scratchy and snotty myself. *cough cough* Maybe I should take a sick day tomorrow. And read. 
By now, you should know that I have a hard time 1) staying out of book stores and 2) leaving one without buying anything. Well, I went in my favorite UBS Saturday and walked away 6 books richer and no money poorer. God, I love credit for books. Anyway, I found Hunger's Brides: A Novel of the Baroque by Paul Anderson for $7.50 (really free, natch! but retails for $35 in the US). I have long flirted with this monster of a book since I first saw it at my library. It's hard to miss. 1,376 pages, weighing in at 5 pounds (I weighed it myself); this mother is huge. This novel within a novel tells the story of Juana Inés de la Cruz, a 17th century nun from Mexico and someone I had never heard of. A child prodigy who taught herself to read at the age of 3, this remarkable woman, poet, scholar, nun, is definitely someone I want to "get to know" better. At 1300+ pages, I definitely should do that. I just hope I can stick with it until the end.
